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April 1st, 2007

07:58 am - yeah right I guess laying in bed you realize who cares about you and who doesn't. Why do I always fight with this feeling of NO ONE caring? I know Don cares, I mean fuck he's being wonderful. Of course Mom, Dad and my sister give two fucks. What about everyone else. The people I'M there for all the time? Why do I fight this all the time. I'm always doing doing doing. Then it's fuck me. I hope my baby never feels what I've felt in 27 years. The feeling of you think you have friends and then BAM there goes that idea. I hope he/she understands the importance of family. They're always there for you no matter what. They're not going to ditch you cause they want to go fuck some random guys. They're not going to ignore you when something big is going on in your life. They sure as hell aren't going to say "I love you" and not mean it. I'll go on and on about how I wont give a fuck from this point on. But when it comes down to it, I'll be the first sucker that calls or writes to see how you're doing. Oh well. Current Mood: depressed

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November 8th, 2006

09:18 am I forget I have this journal. No one really sees it, so anything funny I want to post I just do it on myspace. I guess this is where some normal every day thoughts should go. My normal every day thought is the same. "I'm fat, I want to be thin, I feel ugly, I want to feel hot." Will I ever just be over it? I've only felt good about myself once(that I can remember anyway)in my life. To bad I wasted it on some stupid asshole boy who never gave a shit about me. I was 125 lbs, had long hair, clear skin. Now I feel like I have the best guy in the world, and he has the ugliest girl in the world. Our sex life is a mess b/c of me. I'm so attracted to him, I just hate looking at myself. I turn myself off. Is that stupid? I look at porn stars and hot actresses way too much. I know if I had someone to cook for me and help me work out every day, and do my hair, and make up that I'd look hot too. Anyway, I don't want to look like a porn star per say I just want to feel sexy again. I've been eating healthy and working out for the last two weeks. I think I lost 7lbs but I'm not sure if it was water weight (cause of my girl thing the last time I weighed myself) or if it's cause I really lost 7lbs. I shouldn't weigh myself every day. Today I had to, I was just feeling like such shit. I'll do it again on Sunday, that's supposed to be my once a week weigh in for myself. We'll see. I'm pretty determined to do this again for myself. MYSELF! See that that means I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I lost weight and tried to be this hot girl for someone who didn't even like me to begin with. No matter how "hot" I was. This is for me. I know I have someone who loves the shit out of me. I don't have to prove a damn thing with that. I just want to give him, what I gave some dickhead...a little self confidence. I'll keep updating in here, as long as I feel something is worth writing down. <3 Current Mood: determined Current Music: My Ipod is on shuffle and Alkaline Trio is playing so there.

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September 21st, 2006

12:48 pm - Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun... Well, I guess I can add homeowner to my list of things to do when I grow up. When Don was up 2 weeks ago we had to stop by Allen's house in Akron to pick up Don's wallet. When we were there we noticed a house for sale across the street. Allen suggested that we take a look at it. I thought about it, didn't really want to live "in" Akron but hey, Allen seems to like it. When he's there that it. So we called the # and set an appointment to check it out that Sunday. We went in and this place was pretty awesome. Full basement, new kitchen, 1 1/2 bath updated, updated everything, 4 bedrooms, pretty nice size yard. The 4th room which is an attic space is really perfect for a 4th room. Just needs a little insulation and paint. Nothin too big. The basement needs work but other than that, pretty stress free. I put the bid in two days ago and they got back to me pretty quick. They agreed to my asking price of $59,900.00. For a house that big! I mean, it's in Akron that's why the price is like that. But the neighborhood is nice. Just some families and old people. I wouldn't go any further west, or it'd be like living in Baltimore again! Over all it's pretty awesome for a starter house. We were looking at smaller houses that were ALOT more expensive. SO this is pretty fuckin awesome. It's not ours yet, we have to do paper work and wait for the appraisal to come back okay. They're saying no later than Oct. 25. Hopefully sooner. Now time to figure out how we're going to get all of our shit from Baltimore. AND MY KITTIES! I miss them so much. They're going to have a blast in their new house. So many places for them to run around and sit, and hide. Hopefully the neighborhood stays nice! We'll see! It's going to be tons of fun to have Allen as our neighbor! Well once he moves back from B-more. Okay...I'm done..time for work. <3 Mary p.s.-Now you have a place to stay in Ohio! I know Ohio isn't THAT much fun. But hey...we have the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame! Current Location: Work Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Bane

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September 4th, 2006

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August 28th, 2006

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August 25th, 2006

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August 24th, 2006

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August 23rd, 2006

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August 19th, 2006

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July 1st, 2006

11:00 am - I wanna go where everyone knows my name.... I should have gone home to Ohio this weekend. I'm so fucking upset right now. Mary Current Mood: depressed

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June 19th, 2006

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June 14th, 2006

08:45 pm I went to NIN last night with Rach, Chelsea, and Ann. It was pretty fucking amazing. Sometimes I get a little weird and don't know how to act during shows, but then I fucking let loose. I let the fuck go last night. I might not like living in Baltimore all that much, but fuck I love the kids I've met. ( and now my N.J. girls) I just LAUGH when I'm with Rachael and it carried over to Ann and Chelsea. Seriously one of the best nights ever, I can't WAIT to hang out with the N.J. girls again. Don's going out of town...I smell a sleepover. <3 Mary ex.oh.ex.oh. Current Mood: enthralled Current Music: NIN

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June 12th, 2006

08:45 am - The date is set Don and I set our wedding date. It's going to be June 16th 2007. So one year from now. So far I have my cake picked out, my colors, my dress ( with the help from Rach) my flowers sorta, my guest list half way done and my bridesmaids. Don still needs to figure out whose going to stand for him, the rest of his guest list, we need to find a location, someone to marry us, classic cars to rent, someone for the music, and I believe we're going to be doing all the cooking. Today's goal is going to be 1. find out if Don is Baptized, w/o that we might not be able to get married in a Catholic church. 2. call for locations, I'm pretty sure I have the one picked out in my mind. 3. Time to start being anal about what I eat and how much I work out. I have only one year to make things perfect, and I know how fast one year flys by. I'm going to go on the Ashlee diet Monday-Saturday No Chocolate, No Candy, No fast food, No sodas, No red meat, eat small meals every two hours and exercise like a motha fucka. My best friend did this and lost 50lbs. I'm pretty sure I can do the same. I have like I said one year. Hopefully I can get every one's support during this time. I know I'm gonna need it. At any rate, time to get my day started. ex.oh.ex.oh. Current Mood: determined

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June 1st, 2006

08:59 pm - I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes. Yeah the subject pretty much says it all. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being treated like shit, and people think I'm just going to take it? Well fuck you buddy, if you think for ONE second that I'm going to put up with your shit anymore. From day one of moving out to Baltimore it's been nothing but asshole after asshole. It started with my cunt of a neighbor acting like she's the only person in existence. From working out at all hours of the night, to screaming at people in the parking lot, to yelling at Don, to just down right pissing me the fuck off. Don't worry that bitch has it coming to her, we just wrote our 3rd and final letter to the office about her being loud, and about their fucking dog, AND about waking me up EVERY night. It's out of control. Second came from the people of RT 40 those losers can fuck off and work their minimum wage jobs and be stuck in this hole for the rest of their lives for all I care. Next would be the boss of Davidson Beauty, this fucking faggot has the NERVE to dick me out of $600.00 and then write my friend Shaun who works in the Ohio office, says to him "I hear you're coming in town and staying with Mary, can you tell her to make sure she writes me a check for $120.00 for the dentist appointment I paid for her" first of all you fat piece of gay fuck, I got a notice from the dentist office saying that the amount was never paid, and I put it on my only credit card for the simple fact that they said you never paid it. You'll have to square that up with them not me. Way to fucking go through my friend and not me, that just shows the type of management skills you really have. I hope you rot in hell you fucking waste of life. Finally I have my new boss, I'm pretty sure she's bi-polar, she'll tell me to do something (i.e. don't let clients sign in before 10:00am to only have herself sign them in @ 9:30am.) Such fucking bullshit. Another thing that's bullshit is people dicking me over. Fuck yourself for real. You're the one that should want to hang out with me, I don't give a fuck if we chill or not. I have people in my life to keep me company, I don't give a fuck who you know or what you do. When you're dead, you leave your shit behind. I'd rather live my life as a good person than to fucking care about what I have and don't have as far as material items go. FUCK BALTIMORE! FUCK MARYLAND! FUCK YOUR LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS! FUCK YOUR DRIVING! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUUUUU! No seriously fuck you! Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: My Chemical Romance

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May 21st, 2006

09:02 am - I think I need to clear some things up I just read an old entry where I stated that I hate everyone and I hate trying to make friends with people. That's kind of true still, I do hate everyone, but I'm trying to make friends. Anyway that's not the reason I'm writing this. I'm clearing up that I'm not friends with Jessica anymore, the only person I thought would ever be there for me. She hasn't even TRIED to come see me, and I've been out here for over 9 months now. As far as Amy goes, she's awesome...just had some issues to go over. Shaun and Ashlee have NEVER turned their backs on me, and hopefully never will. I've met a couple of awesome kids in Baltimore and I'm glad I did. As for some of the ones back in Ohio...if you haven't called me, wrote me a letter/e-mail, if you didn't know I was in town a few weeks ago...I fucking hate you. Thanks. ex.oh.ex.oh. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Thought Riot

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08:49 am - Working out...again. Okay I had an almost nervous breakdown yesterday afternoon. So I pretty much jumped on my tredmil hit start and fucking ran 2 miles. I know 2 miles isn't really THAT much for some people...but when you're 40lbs overweight and hate yourself...that's pretty fucking good. P.S.- I say 40lbs because when I tell people I want to lose 50lbs they freak out on me. So I'll lose 50lbs and just tell people 30 to get off my back. Okay thanks. ex.oh.ex.oh. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Thought Riot

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May 15th, 2006

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May 14th, 2006

10:51 am - Where words are not, feeling remains. Remember those songs that bring your mind back to a happier time? I just ran into one, "Circles" by Sunny Day Real Estate. Not like ran into it but searched. I was 20, living at home, working and had a boyfriend by the name of Geoff. He turned me onto a lot of great music, like Sunny Day Real Estate, Neutral Milk Hotel and Modest Mouse. Six years ago I was pretty happy with who I was and where I was in my life. Hanging out with Geoff and Couler and all of the Kent "indie" kids...I found this sound that I was looking for post Nirvana, post my horrible ska phase. I found it with SDRE and Modest Mouse. These unique voices that penetrated my ear drums were my drug, and I wanted it all the time. A few years went on when they were all I listened to. Once I started to date Daniel it became this garage rock Detroit noise sound. Which was awesome! However I forgot about the true sound that got me feeling emotions I've never felt before. I would close my eyes put my headphones on and just relocate myself. I would be in fields, mountains by the ocean. I wouldn't be unhappy, scared or ashamed. I would be safe. I'm safe right now. I'm calm. I'm ready to start anew. God I hope this feeling can last. His voice...it moves me. I don't want to cry today. I want to show them my love. I want to show myself my love. ex.oh.ex.oh. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Sunny Day Real Estate

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May 8th, 2006

05:12 pm - This is going to take a minute of your time. I don't know where to really begin with an update. I looked at my last normal post, so I guess I'll have to start from there. No I didn't get the job at the bank, thank God for that. After being utterly disappointed at myself for not getting the job at the bank, I continued to work at the bar. Finally my break came when Shaun (my best friend in the whole world) got me a job with him at this beauty supply company. I was doing customer service work, didn't really care for it...but hey I wasn't at a white trash bar with a bunch of drunks. Don and I went to Seattle my second week at the new job. It was planned before I was even interviewing at the bank so things were cool. Once we got back we broke our lease at Timber Top, due to violence, scum, and simply not feeling safe at night. We moved up the street from Chapel Hill Mall into the cutest townhouses. Hunters Lake would be home for over the next year. I was starting to feel bored and frustrated making little to no money doing customer service work. I heard of an opening in the accounting building and jumped on it! I got a position as a collector, the hours were the same and things seemed to be looking up for me. Don and I were having our ups and downs. A lot of the problems were still based around his ex girlfriend Bobbi and some stupid internet whores that he was having a problem letting go of. Oh and with his mother, it seemed like no matter what I did...I could do no right for that lady. We tried having her over for dinner, invited her over to my parents house for the holidays...still nothing. The summer of '05 brought us new challenges. Ashlee (my best friend who is married to Shaun my other best friend) and I started to work out. She lost 50lbs and I lost only about 15lbs. Feeling good about ourselves and our friendship nothing really seemed to be bugging us except for the simple fact that I was depressed. Don had lost his job in Feb. and was forced to take some shitty job because his unemployment was going to run out. We all went camping the weekend of July 4th. In the middle of Pa. (don't worry there was a Wal-mart about 10 minutes from our site.) Don and I wanted to run up there for a quick minute and grab some food for the evening. Things seemed to be okay when we got back. We had a outstanding time hanging out with our friends. Once we got back to the grind Don had expressed how unhappy he was at the job he had to take. His wonderful friend Allen who he worked with at Malone told him about a position in Baltimore, that seemed to good to pass up. Hesitant, but knowing that I could not be selfish in this matter I told him to go ahead and interview for the spot. I've never lived far away from home before. God knows with my anxiety problems and depression it might do me some good. We drove up to Baltimore the first weekend of July and met with the guys at Mission Media. I was excited to be in a different city, more excited for Don who to me look like he just found a pot of gold. It took some talking over with my family to see if I was really going to be making the correct decision. Upon arriving home from our weekend I found out that my best friends were having a baby..was this going to make it harder for me to leave? First I thought leaving my family would be hard, but now my friends? Still knowing that I couldn't let Don pass up a great opportunity we started to make the arrangements to move to Baltimore. I was able to transfer with my current job which was a plus cause not job huntin for me is a good thing. I mean I worked so hard to get where I was and had to deal with so much shit, I really didn't want to start over. We moved our lives in only 3 weeks. Don started the very next day after we made it to town. I stayed home for a week to unpack and get things ready. I started my job at Davidson Beauty as a sales consultant. Needless to say, I hate sales I never wanted to do sales and I still don't like sales. The job didn't seem right from the very start. My accounts were being changed around and stolen right from underneath me. This was on a monthly basis. I didn't feel like I belonged with those people. I was starting to hate my job, I was starting to hate Baltimore and I was starting to loath Don for making me move. I was getting more and more jealous of the people he was meeting at his job. I was getting frustrated because I wasn't making any friends, I talked to Ashlee and my mom every morning and just cried. I missed them so much and just wanted to move back home. On top of feeling like shit because I missed everyone so much. Don's mother came into town and the shit hit the fan with that one. She doesn't like me, never has. I don't think it's really anything I've ever done...I'm just not Bobbi, never have tried to be her. I just wanted to love Don and have him love me. I was never out to make his mom hate me. I did everything in my heart to make her understand that I was a good person. But I failed and we're on non speaking terms. None the less my parents came up for my birthday in Oct. For the time they were here...I was at my happiest in Baltimore. I was back home shortly thereafter for Thanksgiving where I spent the week with my sister and my family. Came back to Baltimore still stressed out and depressed telling myself that as soon as a year is up...we're out. Christmas came, and so did our engagement. It was sweet, Don said it was partly for me cleaning the entire apartment while he slept in until 3, for moving with him to Baltimore and taking the risk. It was pure excitement. I was happy to be with him and things didn't seem so horrible for a minute. That minute was when I was in Ohio with my family and my now 6 month prego best friend. We came back to Baltimore I felt like moving here helped with Don in asking me to marry him. I felt like there was a reason I was out here and I was going to make the best of it. I've gained about 20lbs since being out here. On top of being depressed and alone most of the time (since Don doesn't get home sometimes until 8) you know didn't really make any friends. Work was really starting to fucking suck. My boss Charles "Chad" Howard was a complete fucker. He would say things to me like "well maybe you're not happy with yourself, did you ever think that it's not 'Maryland' that's the problem but 'Mary'? I was in my head of rage like "No you flaming mother fucker, it's you and your office of fucking monkeys and robots that have me hating this place. Not to mention everywhere I go the people are fucking rude, I can't make friends cause at this point I think everyone is trying to fuck with me or fuck my fiance! I work my ass off just so that you can come over to my desk and belittle me and make me feel like I'm just this dumb little girl from Ohio. YOU'RE FROM OHIO YOU FUCK! You grew up in the most white trash area I know! The only reason why you make fun of it so much is because of your close minded family full of redneck drunks that couldn't accept the fact that you're gay! Don't try and make me look the naive one here asshole! I didn't run away from my fucking family cause they hate me, in fact the love me so much they begged me not to move out here. What the hell do you have? Your fucking house on 5 arces of land and dogs that you breed. You find joy in meeting random boys at pride and having sex with them in the public bathrooms. I'm unhappy with myself? Look in the mirror you fat piece of shit and tell me who's unhappy!" I just quit that job the other day. Finally I think I know what I'm supposed to be doing here in Baltimore. I got a really great opportunity to work and learn at this nearby beauty school. I've been hanging out with mohnani a lot more, which is nice cause here we're neighbors and didn't know it until just recently. She works with Don at Mission, she does film for Mission Film...which I found out isn't really apart of Mission Media..but it is..but it isn't. I start my new job, I've started to slowly work out a little, and we'll see what happens from there. Hopefully something good. It all happens for a reason anyway right? ex.oh.ex.oh.

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08:59 am Thanks to mohnani I'm going to get back into writing in here instead of my myspace.com blog. This one will be a little bit more on the serious side...or atleast I'll try and make it that way. I will write a full detailed update once I'm awake and my mind is ready to think. ex.oh.ex.oh.

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