I myself am strange and unusual.

yeah right

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 12:07:55 GMT

I guess laying in bed you realize who cares about you and who doesn't. Why do I always fight with this feeling of NO ONE caring? I know Don cares, I mean fuck he's being wonderful. Of course Mom, Dad and my sister give two fucks. What about everyone else. The people I'M there for all the time? Why do I fight this all the time. I'm always doing doing doing. Then it's fuck me. I hope my baby never feels what I've felt in 27 years. The feeling of you think you have friends and then BAM there goes that idea. I hope he/she understands the importance of family. They're always there for you no matter what. They're not going to ditch you cause they want to go fuck some random guys. They're not going to ignore you when something big is going on in your life. They sure as hell aren't going to say "I love you" and not mean it. I'll go on and on about how I wont give a fuck from this point on. But when it comes down to it, I'll be the first sucker that calls or writes to see how you're doing. Oh well.

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 14:18:03 GMT

I forget I have this journal. No one really sees it, so anything funny I want to post I just do it on myspace. I guess this is where some normal every day thoughts should go. My normal every day thought is the same. "I'm fat, I want to be thin, I feel ugly, I want to feel hot." Will I ever just be over it? I've only felt good about myself once(that I can remember anyway)in my life. To bad I wasted it on some stupid asshole boy who never gave a shit about me. I was 125 lbs, had long hair, clear skin. Now I feel like I have the best guy in the world, and he has the ugliest girl in the world. Our sex life is a mess b/c of me. I'm so attracted to him, I just hate looking at myself. I turn myself off. Is that stupid? I look at porn stars and hot actresses way too much. I know if I had someone to cook for me and help me work out every day, and do my hair, and make up that I'd look hot too. Anyway, I don't want to look like a porn star per say I just want to feel sexy again. I've been eating healthy and working out for the last two weeks. I think I lost 7lbs but I'm not sure if it was water weight (cause of my girl thing the last time I weighed myself) or if it's cause I really lost 7lbs. I shouldn't weigh myself every day. Today I had to, I was just feeling like such shit. I'll do it again on Sunday, that's supposed to be my once a week weigh in for myself. We'll see. I'm pretty determined to do this again for myself. MYSELF! See that that means I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I lost weight and tried to be this hot girl for someone who didn't even like me to begin with. No matter how "hot" I was. This is for me. I know I have someone who loves the shit out of me. I don't have to prove a damn thing with that. I just want to give him, what I gave some dickhead...a little self confidence. I'll keep updating in here, as long as I feel something is worth writing down.

<3

Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun...

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 16:59:06 GMT

Well, I guess I can add homeowner to my list of things to do when I grow up. When Don was up 2 weeks ago we had to stop by Allen's house in Akron to pick up Don's wallet. When we were there we noticed a house for sale across the street. Allen suggested that we take a look at it. I thought about it, didn't really want to live "in" Akron but hey, Allen seems to like it. When he's there that it. So we called the # and set an appointment to check it out that Sunday. We went in and this place was pretty awesome. Full basement, new kitchen, 1 1/2 bath updated, updated everything, 4 bedrooms, pretty nice size yard. The 4th room which is an attic space is really perfect for a 4th room. Just needs a little insulation and paint. Nothin too big. The basement needs work but other than that, pretty stress free. I put the bid in two days ago and they got back to me pretty quick. They agreed to my asking price of $59,900.00. For a house that big! I mean, it's in Akron that's why the price is like that. But the neighborhood is nice. Just some families and old people. I wouldn't go any further west, or it'd be like living in Baltimore again! Over all it's pretty awesome for a starter house. We were looking at smaller houses that were ALOT more expensive. SO this is pretty fuckin awesome. It's not ours yet, we have to do paper work and wait for the appraisal to come back okay. They're saying no later than Oct. 25. Hopefully sooner. Now time to figure out how we're going to get all of our shit from Baltimore. AND MY KITTIES! I miss them so much. They're going to have a blast in their new house. So many places for them to run around and sit, and hide. Hopefully the neighborhood stays nice! We'll see! It's going to be tons of fun to have Allen as our neighbor! Well once he moves back from B-more. Okay...I'm done..time for work.

<3

Mary

p.s.-Now you have a place to stay in Ohio! I know Ohio isn't THAT much fun. But hey...we have the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame!

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 14:04:46 GMT

Fall is early in Ohio, and this makes me a happy girl. I love this time of year. It's perfect for hoodies, hot tea, pumpkin soup, making out and playing in the leaves. It's best when you have a partner. Mine will be up hopefully this weekend. We will snuggle, laugh, make out and enjoy some hot tea. The leaves haven't started to change, prolly wont until end of Sept or start of Oct. The weather is just right. High to low 60's with a slight breeze. I do wish the sun was out. It's nice to have a little warmth on your face. Soon it will start getting darker earliar, rain, and then snow. I'm really looking forward to the snow this year. Generally when living in Ohio your entire life, winter is the last thing anyone wants. It snows, and snows nothing closes and it stays cold until late April early May. This winter will be filled with more hoodies, hot coco, french onion soup, snowball fights and love making. Speaking of which, I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I either dream of flying or being knocked up. I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I'm sure nothing. At any rate I'm wearing one of my favorite sweaters. It's light blue mostly with dark blue stripes. I wrap the ends of the sleves around my hands when I drive, put the colar up over my face as I sing and pretend I'm Alanis, you know like in the video "Ironic" That video is how I feel in Ohio during this time of year. Silly and free. It's pretty amazing. I will continue to count down the days until Don is back here. When he gets here, it will be amazing. Have a good day.

<3

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 17:01:30 GMT

Yeah, I'm going to marry the most amazing boy ever. Don came in this past weekend. I'm pretty lucky I'd have to say. He's amazing, our sex is amazing and we're perfect for eachother. I can't WAIT to be his wife. FUCK! That's going to be amazing. I love him.

...and I love all of you too.

<3

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 14:43:00 GMT

It's only 10:45 on Friday, and so far I've : Got hit on, honked at and an old man winked at me. Either Ohio people have no standards, Baltimore people have no taste, or I'm the first girl this town has seen with a full set of teeth. Either way, it's amusing and fun. My new kitty is sleeping on my lap. When I get up or move him, he starts to cry. He's the sweetest baby. Well third from my babies. At any rate. Paperwork is a pimp and I'm it's whore. So I gots to get outta here. Bye kids.

<3

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 13:36:08 GMT

Well now I feel like yesterdays blog is a damn lie! ha! I ended up going to my mom's house for dinner. She was making porkchops and I just couldn't pass em up. I also ended up going to Amy's house. When I was over there the other day there were a whole bunch of baby kittens running around, I'm sure that someone just dumped. Well I got really excited cause this one came right up to me and was playing and being all cute. So naturally I took a picture of "him" and sent it to Don. I'm kind of a baby when it comes to homeless pets. I get all sad and lame about it. So of course Don said "No I'm telling the two kitties you have here that you don't love them anymore and that you've replaced them" Not the case at all! I love my babies back home. That's not the point. The point is, is that one kitten had already gotten run over by a car and I just couldn't see any of the others get killed. SO I came into work yesterday, told my dad about "him" and my dad said "We can always use another mouse trap around here, that's fine you can bring "him" down here." Now the only problem with "him" is that it was really a "she" and well my dad's one cat Cali is a girl and she would freak the fuck out if another girl was around. SO there were about 6 other kittens, and I figured one of them would be a boy, and if I can just rescue one I'd be happy. We ended up with white with black spots. The coolest thing about him is that he has a grouping of 3 black spots that look like the Mickey Mouse logo. So his name is Mickey. If I got the all black one that I thought was a boy but was really a girl I was going to name him Vader. Yeah, silly I know. But how perfect! At any rate my little Mickey is sick and has to get meds and all sorts of shit. I'll take pictures once he's a little more camera ready. Well I'm out. Have a good one.

<3

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 13:05:27 GMT

This week has been full of good and bad for me. I'm like a roller coaster, up and down. Today I'm just going straight home (well my sister's house), no stops at mom's today. I just need to take a hot shower, read my book, perhaps rent "Who's that Girl" and fall asleep. I'm not going to rush to my mom's house for dinner, stop at Amy's house and bullshit until all hours of the night. I'm just going to pass go, collect $200.00 in debt and crash.

I've been thinking about our wedding alot lately. I really just want to elope. I'm done planning, and trying to make EVERYONE else happy. I don't need a fancy dress, fancy cars, or fancy place to have the reception. Blah. I'd just be happy to say I'm Don's wife. I don't care how we get there. Fancy Dancy or not.

Work has been going well. I work for my dad who is super laid back and chill (most of the time.) It's great to be able to work at my own pace, which is normally really fast. I have ADD and get bored super quick. I should try and slow down and pace myself little bit different. I have a tendency to get all my work done first thing in the morning. Partly because I don't want people to think I'm not doing anything. Second cause I work to fast. In the afternoons I feel bad when there's nothing for me to do and I'm sitting on the internet, looking for a house. So today I'm only going to do two things I know need to get done first thing. Then as far as the paperwork goes. I'm going to pace myself. No rush.

So many things have changed in Kent. Rob bought the tattoo shop and he and Pops own it now. It's amazing inside. They did a wonderful job getting everything together. I would like to get a tattoo with Ashlee. Something that best friends would get. Maybe I'll get a little "ant" on my ankle or something or perhaps the back of my neck. For those of you who don't know the meaning behind the ant her name is Ashlee Nicole Turner. Spells out ANT get it. Good. Her husband wanted to get something like that too. So who knows. I would have NO clue what she'd want to get for me. My name doesn't spell out anything cool. MCM what's that Roman Numerals for? Ah well.

I love having my IPod at work. I'm listening to Cream right now. I hope my children think our music was cool, like how I admire my parents and grandparents music. Ah well.

Perhaps I should send out some invoices now. That's 1 of the two things I'm going to do this morning. Have a good day everyone.

<3

ex.oh.ex.oh.

eh..not so good

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 21:10:57 GMT

Well first week in Ohio alone is over. I did pretty well on not expressing in anger how much I miss Don, well until last night. I'm pretty much the dumbest girl ever. I'm just going to say that I'm not upset on WHO he's hanging out with. Cause I know the people he's hanging out with, and I like em...a lot. So that's not the problem. The is however, that I don't share well. I want Don all to myself. I don't want to share him. At all. I don't want him to be sad or alone, which is why these people are spending time with him. They don't want him sad or alone either. Grr I just wish he was able to move back. I mean, it's like being married and living on the opposite side of the world. I want to be the one to make him happy. Man this sounds so shitty. I'm just jealous. I know it. I'm not afraid to own up to it either. When he was away in Seattle, I was ALL alone. Now that he's all alone, he's not really alone, cause people WANT to hang out with him. Blah I hate myself. I'm sure everyone else does to. I'm fine with that. I just shouldn't be aloud to have friends. I always find a way to fuck shit up. Blah. Whatever. This only makes sense to me.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

I wanna go where everyone knows my name....

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 15:20:48 GMT

I should have gone home to Ohio this weekend. I'm so fucking upset right now.

Mary

Some things just aren't meant to last.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 13:25:37 GMT

I know it's just myspace but I just deleted a person who I've known for almost 10 years now. This person never talked to me, we were best friends in high school. When they found out I was moving to Baltimore, they were more than happy for me. I know our friendship wasn't that strong anymore, but I didn't realize that a year later it was going to end. They didn't care when I got engaged, they didn't know when I was in town. This person NEVER made an effort to come out here and see me. But has traveled all around the world with their new BFF. It's not about the childish side of myspace and oh they don't talk to me so I'm gonna delete them. It's real life, they just stopped talking to me. I'm now forced to stop talking to them. I'm so angry and sad right now. I just want to talk to this person and hope for a misunderstanding. But there is no misunderstanding with friendship, you either care, or you don't.

THREE CHEERS FOR NOT CARING! Hope it hurts you as much as it's hurting me.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

<3 your ex friend.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 00:48:18 GMT

I went to NIN last night with Rach, Chelsea, and Ann. It was pretty fucking amazing. Sometimes I get a little weird and don't know how to act during shows, but then I fucking let loose. I let the fuck go last night. I might not like living in Baltimore all that much, but fuck I love the kids I've met. ( and now my N.J. girls) I just LAUGH when I'm with Rachael and it carried over to Ann and Chelsea. Seriously one of the best nights ever, I can't WAIT to hang out with the N.J. girls again. Don's going out of town...I smell a sleepover. <3 Mary

ex.oh.ex.oh.

The date is set

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 13:10:45 GMT

Don and I set our wedding date. It's going to be June 16th 2007. So one year from now. So far I have my cake picked out, my colors, my dress ( with the help from Rach) my flowers sorta, my guest list half way done and my bridesmaids. Don still needs to figure out whose going to stand for him, the rest of his guest list, we need to find a location, someone to marry us, classic cars to rent, someone for the music, and I believe we're going to be doing all the cooking. Today's goal is going to be 1. find out if Don is Baptized, w/o that we might not be able to get married in a Catholic church. 2. call for locations, I'm pretty sure I have the one picked out in my mind. 3. Time to start being anal about what I eat and how much I work out. I have only one year to make things perfect, and I know how fast one year flys by. I'm going to go on the Ashlee diet Monday-Saturday No Chocolate, No Candy, No fast food, No sodas, No red meat, eat small meals every two hours and exercise like a motha fucka. My best friend did this and lost 50lbs. I'm pretty sure I can do the same. I have like I said one year. Hopefully I can get every one's support during this time. I know I'm gonna need it. At any rate, time to get my day started.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes.

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:21:05 GMT

Yeah the subject pretty much says it all. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being treated like shit, and people think I'm just going to take it? Well fuck you buddy, if you think for ONE second that I'm going to put up with your shit anymore.

From day one of moving out to Baltimore it's been nothing but asshole after asshole. It started with my cunt of a neighbor acting like she's the only person in existence. From working out at all hours of the night, to screaming at people in the parking lot, to yelling at Don, to just down right pissing me the fuck off. Don't worry that bitch has it coming to her, we just wrote our 3rd and final letter to the office about her being loud, and about their fucking dog, AND about waking me up EVERY night. It's out of control. Second came from the people of RT 40 those losers can fuck off and work their minimum wage jobs and be stuck in this hole for the rest of their lives for all I care. Next would be the boss of Davidson Beauty, this fucking faggot has the NERVE to dick me out of $600.00 and then write my friend Shaun who works in the Ohio office, says to him "I hear you're coming in town and staying with Mary, can you tell her to make sure she writes me a check for $120.00 for the dentist appointment I paid for her" first of all you fat piece of gay fuck, I got a notice from the dentist office saying that the amount was never paid, and I put it on my only credit card for the simple fact that they said you never paid it. You'll have to square that up with them not me. Way to fucking go through my friend and not me, that just shows the type of management skills you really have. I hope you rot in hell you fucking waste of life. Finally I have my new boss, I'm pretty sure she's bi-polar, she'll tell me to do something (i.e. don't let clients sign in before 10:00am to only have herself sign them in @ 9:30am.) Such fucking bullshit. Another thing that's bullshit is people dicking me over. Fuck yourself for real. You're the one that should want to hang out with me, I don't give a fuck if we chill or not. I have people in my life to keep me company, I don't give a fuck who you know or what you do. When you're dead, you leave your shit behind. I'd rather live my life as a good person than to fucking care about what I have and don't have as far as material items go. FUCK BALTIMORE! FUCK MARYLAND! FUCK YOUR LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS! FUCK YOUR DRIVING! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUUUUU!

No seriously fuck you!

I think I need to clear some things up

Sun, 21 May 2006 13:06:14 GMT

I just read an old entry where I stated that I hate everyone and I hate trying to make friends with people. That's kind of true still, I do hate everyone, but I'm trying to make friends. Anyway that's not the reason I'm writing this. I'm clearing up that I'm not friends with Jessica anymore, the only person I thought would ever be there for me. She hasn't even TRIED to come see me, and I've been out here for over 9 months now. As far as Amy goes, she's awesome...just had some issues to go over. Shaun and Ashlee have NEVER turned their backs on me, and hopefully never will. I've met a couple of awesome kids in Baltimore and I'm glad I did. As for some of the ones back in Ohio...if you haven't called me, wrote me a letter/e-mail, if you didn't know I was in town a few weeks ago...I fucking hate you. Thanks.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Working out...again.

Sun, 21 May 2006 12:59:51 GMT

Okay I had an almost nervous breakdown yesterday afternoon. So I pretty much jumped on my tredmil hit start and fucking ran 2 miles. I know 2 miles isn't really THAT much for some people...but when you're 40lbs overweight and hate yourself...that's pretty fucking good. P.S.- I say 40lbs because when I tell people I want to lose 50lbs they freak out on me. So I'll lose 50lbs and just tell people 30 to get off my back. Okay thanks.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Today I feel...

Mon, 15 May 2006 16:41:04 GMT

Fat,ugly,stupid,worthless,tired and lonely.

But hey isn't that every day?

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Where words are not, feeling remains.

Sun, 14 May 2006 15:10:42 GMT

Remember those songs that bring your mind back to a happier time? I just ran into one, "Circles" by Sunny Day Real Estate. Not like ran into it but searched. I was 20, living at home, working and had a boyfriend by the name of Geoff. He turned me onto a lot of great music, like Sunny Day Real Estate, Neutral Milk Hotel and Modest Mouse. Six years ago I was pretty happy with who I was and where I was in my life. Hanging out with Geoff and Couler and all of the Kent "indie" kids...I found this sound that I was looking for post Nirvana, post my horrible ska phase. I found it with SDRE and Modest Mouse. These unique voices that penetrated my ear drums were my drug, and I wanted it all the time. A few years went on when they were all I listened to. Once I started to date Daniel it became this garage rock Detroit noise sound. Which was awesome! However I forgot about the true sound that got me feeling emotions I've never felt before. I would close my eyes put my headphones on and just relocate myself. I would be in fields, mountains by the ocean. I wouldn't be unhappy, scared or ashamed. I would be safe. I'm safe right now. I'm calm. I'm ready to start anew. God I hope this feeling can last. His voice...it moves me. I don't want to cry today. I want to show them my love. I want to show myself my love.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

Mon, 08 May 2006 13:00:06 GMT

Thanks to mohnani I'm going to get back into writing in here instead of my myspace.com blog. This one will be a little bit more on the serious side...or atleast I'll try and make it that way. I will write a full detailed update once I'm awake and my mind is ready to think.

ex.oh.ex.oh.

wow I still remember my account info

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 14:33:35 GMT

Anyway I'm on Myspace all the time...I write on there. I'll try to cut and paste it over here if people really care. Thanks

ex.oh.ex.oh

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 19:00:13 GMT

You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.

Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Haha I think everyone is Davey Havok!

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 18:52:42 GMT

You are like the lead signer Davey Havok, he is
very sexy, hot, and the best. good for you

what AFI member are you most like.(real thing not like the other one, newer)
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm the same, as I was when I was six years old, and oh my god I feel so damn old.

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 09:10:07 GMT

Everything that kept me together is falling apart....

Well today I found out that I didn't get the job at Key Bank. After a long month of interviewing I still didn't end up with it. I feel like such a loser, I feel like I'm always going to be at the bottom of the barrel. It's like first I get fired from fuckin Ruby Tuesday's and now I got shot down from the corporate whore world as well. Yeah big time loser in my book. Everyone around me has an education a great job and a bright future. I work at a fucking bar, I don't drink don't smoke and don't give a shit about any of those fucking drunks that come in there. But here I am, still going to be there. Fuck I'm so depressed right now I can't even sleep, my stomache is so upset. I don't know what I'm going to do I thought for sure I had this job. Was it something I said or was it something I did or was it the way I looked? I'm not cut out for this crap. I don't know what I'm going to do, I can only sit here and cry. I'm such a fucking loser.

I wish I could be the one, the one who wont care at all.....

Ex,oh,ex,oh

Interview with the Vampire

Sat, 15 May 2004 14:45:56 GMT

Going thru a long process of interviews with Key Bank. It's looking very well tho! I think the job is going to be mine and then I can finally get the hell out of Ruby Tuesday's. I've been really professional still, not trying to burn any bridges just in case. Just incase of what I don't know, but don't want to leave on a bad note ya know. Don and I are doing pretty well for the most part small fights turn into big fights and big fights turn into long make up sessions. I almost left him the other night. Shit got WAY out of hand, thought it would have been the best for the two of us. Now I'm glad I'm here. Alex is a great friend and so is Jess and Ashlee. They support me more than anyone, well other than my family. And I love them for it! This update is short! Love you....

"I tighten my belt around my hips where your hands were missing."

Ex,oh,ex,oh

I wish I could be the one, the one who wont care at all.

Sat, 08 May 2004 14:16:48 GMT

Yeah I'm not even sure why for the past two nights I've gone to bed alone. I can't even remember why we were fighing yesterday. I didn't see him come thru my bedroom door until almost 5:30am. What was he doing? Who was he talking to? What's this secret life that he has? Why am I suffering? Why is it that all day today he's going to be sleeping and it's almost 10:00am and I'm awake? And I have to work tonight and there will be no time spent with eachother? Why do I want to cry? And why for some reason am I going to hear the same words? "Why are you overreacting?" I'm overreacting because I'm sensitive, I'm overreacting because I'm tired, I'm overreacting because I feel unloved, I'm overreacting because I'm simply beat up from the inside out. I worked all day on my feet lastnight, he sits infront of a computer all day. Yes once I get this job at the bank I will be sitting infront of a computer all day too, and will have nothing to complain about. I just can't take my job anyone and it just swings me into a bad mood everytime I'm there. I had to clean cat shit up, then he pissed on my brand new bed set and had to deal with that right before work, just to have someone ask me dumb questions about what to clean, it's as if he's not even paying attention to me. It's like the only time he pays any attention to me is when I have my legs spread open. And perhaps that's not what's really going maybe that's just me overreacting AGAIN and so be it. It didn't help my attitude lastnight when I found pictures of Val on his computer. It's like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone! It's like they're always looking for something else. I'm just here to fill in time. My self esteem just sucks right now. It doesn't help when your boyfriend would rather play games til 5:30am then to lay down with you. One can only take so much. So the next time you say you don't think you can give me everything I want, try listening to me or atleast read this, you'll prolly just think I'm overreacting anyways.

"I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me."

Ex,oh,ex,oh